Crackers? OH YES! Barking !!

Some time ago I had this vague idea about making my own Christmas crackers this year, you know with nice little gifts inside and pretty ribbons.Well anyway as I said it was just an idea, then, a couple of weeks back I saw the very thing down at Tescos, A KIT! Yes DIY, make your own, HAND MADE, personalised, it had words like 'JUST' and 'SIMPLY' in the instructions.... I should have known then that those words cannot be put in any set of instructions no matter what the project is! But no, I just put them away to do sometime before Christmas lunch.. Lucky then that I found myself with an unexpected day off today due to the vagueries of letting agents, (an unreliable bunch at the best of times). So aha! I thought CRACKERS it is, just the job .............. I only had to make 5, normally it would have been a dozen, but not this year, -- thank God! So I started with 'simply roll the card into a cylinder and slip the tabs into the pre-cut slots' WHAT?? I rolled it and FORCED the first tab in, then I went for the second one, the first one popped out, how can something so hard to get in come out so easily? After several more attempts and a lot of sellotape I had 1 very battered looking tube of card! Now for the ribbon, 'take a length of ribbon' STUPID CURLY LIFE OF IT'S OWN RIBBON is what it should have said.. By the fourth cracker I felt I was making progress even if they were all held together with tape. Now for the GIFT! Well that was a laugh, it dropped in ok but try getting a stiff folded gold hat and a joke in as well (did I say JOKE)? I poked and prodded with the scissors, a pen, even tweezers... As I said by the fourth one I had devised a cunning method, now to tie the OTHER END. Did I mention that the BANG was glued to both ends of the cracker? Very silly design, as when the first end is tied the BANG twists and gets in the way, so now tying the other end makes it all SQUIFFY and makes the last tab burst out AGAIN!!! TWO HOURS later I finally had 5 crackers finished although not strictly as per instructions, and they'll never pull apart, I reckon we'll have to cut them open. I worked out that the wretched things cost 5 or 6 quid each which is pretty appalling . Next year I'll definately be buying them..